I am learning to be a grownup.

Seems like the sort of thing that would happen before 31, eh?

I've recently realized that I base most of my decisions on either 1) someone else's decision or 2) completely reactionary impulses.

For example, if I have a decision to make, and I'm not comfortable with it, I will ply it off on someone else in the guise of 'needing advice" and then do whatever they say. Then, I tell myself, if the solution doesn't work, or turns out to be a bad solution, then it's not really *my* fault, it was the other person's decision!

As to the second possibility, I'll decide that I want to embrace, say....green/environmental/hippie ethos. Suddenly, EVERY single decision must be made through the lens of that viewpoint. I can't wear my sleek work pants because hippies like free flowing things. I can't read Stephen King because hippies would not read Stephen King. I need to shop at Whole Foods and pretend to be *very concerned* with the origins of every single grape.

Then one day, I'll realize that certain aspects of the Hippie Ethos just aren't cool with me anymore. I LIKE my sleek work pants (and wearing all free flowing things makes you gain weight! trust me!) Stephen King is FUN to read damn it, and when it comes down to it, I get exhausted trying to make ordinary buying decisions based on some complex theory I don't really understand.

And so my whole life I've ended up bouncing around from place to place on the spectrum, and usually spending a LOT of money to support these philosophies. Thus I've always felt unsettled, like there isn't really a "me" it's just the "philosophy of the month" in human form.

I also tend to abdicate responsibility to keep people's expectations low. Doesn't that sound awful? But it's true! Long ago I realized that, since I'm a pretty capable person, I can achieve a moderate standard with hardly any effort at all. In high school I never quite understood why anyone would actually WANT to take Honors English when you could just take regular English and excel without lifting a finger. Sure I could track my expenses and balance my checkbook but if I just put on my "lalala" act then no one will EXPECT me to, and other people will jump in and take care of it for me.

I don't want to raise my daughter this way!

The Doctor's Office
Unfortunately I find that I do it with her as well; rather than finding a way for her to learn to cope with difficult situations, I simply avoid them and it's easier on both of us. I go to a chiropractor, and at this point in the treatment I'm going 3 times a week. It was getting really hard (and stressful) trying to figure out who would take care of Maggie. My mom had surgery on her feet and while she was still taking care of her while I was at work, I hated asking for an extra 3 hours a week. Mr. Knitty doesn't always get home at a reliable time, and besides, I don't really want to drive in rush hour traffic all the way back across town--I'd like to have dinner with my family!

Doc kept telling me to just bring her, and the secretaries would watch her. I felt like I was burdening them or leaving Maggie open to thousands of unnamed dangers by doing that. Then I realized, should I burden THEM for 20 minutes (when they volunteered for the burdening) or should I burden MYSELF for 2 months of worrying when I could make appointments because I needed to find care? And so I began bringing her. I make the appointments early so that she is in a good mood, and I ask them to close the outer door so she can't run off, and they DO in fact follow her and watch her closely. She runs back a couple of times to see me and make sure I'm still there, and then she runs off.

I feel so incredibly grown up by this. I'm securing my own treatment and care for her without begging a favor from a family member. I'm learning that it's okay to let someone else watch her for a few minutes. And it's okay to speak up and ask about things like leaving the outer door closed so she can't run into the parking lot. AND it's okay to take people at their word; Doc said bring her, I'm paying him the big bucks to twist me like a pretzel, and so darn it I'm taking him up on it. This way I can make my appointments when they're convenient for ME, not Mom or E or Sammy across the street.

The Blackberry
About a year and a half ago, I was a mess. I had tried many ways of keeping my shit together; calendars, date books, a Palm Pilot. Nothing seemed to work. I would write down all my appointments and everything neatly in a calendar and then lose it, or forget it at home. I would forget the Palm Pilot and not charge it and then have to sync it again and lose all the information I had recently entered.

So I figured I'd try getting a Blackberry. Sure, I'd still have to charge it, but because I'd be using it for things OTHER than appointments, like playing games and calling friends, I knew I'd be more likely to actually check it!

And for a while, it worked. My friends had also recently gotten them and so we were texting each other constantly. I'd enter appointments into it and then have it give me an alarm and also put it on my daily agenda. It was good! The only really BAD thing about it was that it cost $90 a month to keep active. Oh, and also, I'd check it 8 bazillion times a day just to see if any of my friends had a new trivial thing to share. People joked about it being my "appendage" and I thought it was cute. It was my lifeline, the way I connected to the world.

One day I realized though, I didn't want to be connected to the world via a little pink box. I wanted to have REAL friends and go out for REAL dinners and play games, like soccer and basketball, that had some REAL benefit to me rather than some lame Tetris clone. I didn't want to feel compelled to check my messages 300 times a day; I wanted to be playing with Maggie and enjoying JUST that moment, rather than figuring out what I was going to do 10 minutes from then.

Plus, I had just kind of counted that $90/month as "money I don't really want to spend but I need it so oh well I'll just forget it". And then I realized, maybe I don't NEED it. Sure it's fun. Sure I feel sorta classy with my little friend dangling from my wrist. But I don't know if I need that badly enough to spend $90 a month. And it was nice being INSTANTLY reachable for a while, but frankly, sometimes I resent it. I resent being constantly on call for everyone's daily drama.

I bought myself a refurbished Tracfone. I was even able to find a pink one. It will call and text. No montly service fee. I can use it as much or as little as I want. And I can end it whenever I want too. I'm not held over a barrel by a stupid contract. I can't wait until it comes and I can cancel this contract. I'll pay the fee! I don't care. It's LESS than 2 more months of service.